I hate the feeling of being on the verge of starting another schoolyear. I'm in that point in the summer break when memories of the past two months like to come flashing right before my eyes, in the same way people experience seeing bright lights during near-death situations.

School's just turned into such a negative place to me, and I just hate the feeling it brings me. I hate how pessimistic I'm being towards it and not knowing why I am. I hate having to step into an incredibly realistic model of the real world and learning that as you grow up, your fears have to step up to a new level, and all of those monsters under your bed and closet start turning up in places you'd last want them to be, like inside your only hiding place--- yourself. And you get completely frustrated about not being able to let them all out, knowing that you didn't have to have them in the first place had school not entered the picture.

I don't know... maybe the biggest reason why I hate school is because it always gives me a taste of how real real life actually is. It's not just about having fun and doing what you want anymore but finding your own solutions to your own problems now, and dealing with DIFFERENT KINDS OF PEOPLE (not everyone is nice... and that on its own is an understatement), and even more than that, yourself. Come to think of it, our highschool is supposed to be better since it even tends to be a bit of a spoon-feeder when it comes to academic things. If this kind of pressure that comes with it is just spoonfeeding, what more during life after graduation?

Looking back on everything makes me feel like I've taken my childhood for granted. I realized too late that everything just continues once you get into the right consciousness, and you can't go back anymore. You just have to learn how to walk through life once all the fairydust runs out and that "shield" between you and the big bad world fades off. All the blacks and the whites just turn gray and you're left on your own to try and make them all out. And most of the time, this is what I feel when I'm in school, not merely because of the academics but because of how the entire school experience manages to highlight all the pressures of life and growing up.

I don't know. I just don't.