April 2, 2005 - 11:20pm (local time at Doha... so this is 4:20am in MNL)

This has been an unexplainably weird day for me...

First of all, I can't believe the Pope just died. It wasn't that I (or anyone else for that matter) wasn't expecting it to happen, considering we'd been following CNN's reports on his deteriorating health for two nights now... but it just seems so surreal.

The news seemed to go on forever. They'd show footage of Catholics and well-wishers gathering at St. Peter's Square, brief specials on the Pope, and short interviews with various people repeatedly while waiting for occasional updates on the pope's health from the Vatican.

Alam ko magiging medyo bastos at makasarili pakinggan pero... there was even a point where I found myself subtly wishing at the back of my mind for him to already pass away... more for my own peace of mind than anything else. It was frustrating having to sit through the report without knowing whether he was still going to make it or not. The whole report was placing everyone in a gray area between survival and death. It was already a given that as long as the news remained centered on the Vatican, the tension for anyone who got the chance to learn of the Pope's condition just wouldn't go away.

And then the final word came out unexpectedly. My family and I had the TV on for news but half of our attention was distributed to gluttony (yung pringles kasi eh) so we were pretty much taken aback when a small phrase suddenly slid its way onto a corner of the screen:

Pope John Paul II
1920-2005

Medyo mabagal pa nga yung unang reaction ko eh... "Ano...! Ba't sila naglagay ng ganyan kung hindi pa naman siya..." I had this on my mind for barely a second when I finally managed to read the words below it, placed so bluntly it was hardly believable at first-- Pope John Paul II has died.

Even up to now, his death still hasn't sunken in, and it isn't easy to work out why. I guess it has always been like this for me when it comes to death... I could learn about someone's passing and still get surprised should the thought enter my mind again. Even my first and only experience of death so far (of someone I'd been close to at least) took over me this way, when my grandmother died of a stroke back when I was still 9 years old. I remember being at my friend Mia's house when my mom called then, telling me with a calm voice that suggested she'd been crying, that my grandmother had already passed away. I have really bad short-term memory but my memory for childhood events is pretty good, and I can still remember how the whole thing went.

From how it sounded, my mom was trying to be as gentle as possible. "Ca, wala na si Lola..." she said, in the way parents struggled to reveal that Santa Claus wasn't real.

But it merely bounced off me at first and I asked her how my grandmother was doing in the hospital. "...si... Lola?"

"Wala na siya... wala na..." my mom replied in the same mom-mish tone.

"San na si Lola?" I continued to ask stubbornly.

"Wala na, nasa heaven na."

I couldn't remember the lines that followed, but after I hung up the phone, I clearly recall numbly running up the small spiral staircase, across the second floor, and out the main door.... right to the last step of the brown staircase outside where the numbness gave in and I cried in front of my two best friends. (Smarla and Mia... remember this at yung... Angara? :p)

And it seems that this is how I'm taking the Pope’s death right now... as slow as ever. The lines are floating somewhere in my mind but I can't seem to get a good grasp of it at the moment.

To be honest, I've really never gotten the chance to meet the Pope or anything, but for as long as I can remember I've always regarded him to be respectable. I know it sounds obvious but I mean this in a way that goes beyond his own position as being the highest in the political aspect of the Church. He has always struck me as a genuine person and knowing that I don't normally see this kind of authenticity with a lot of people I know, instinct told me that this Karol Wojtyla was definitely someone deserving of his position.

I really have no idea why I'm writing about a man I've never even met in my life, but I just had to place this somewhere. Seeing people of different races in the Vatican praying for the soul of one person I'd only grown strangely (and yet somewhat vaguely) attached to through newspapers and TV just moved me and I had to write this down. Malabo, pero ganun. I can't explain it. Knowing that Pope John Paul II has passed away just feels wrong, and I have no idea why it affects me this much. I mean honestly, I'm not even as religious as my own religion calls me to be, but somehow knowing that he isn't here anymore just doesn't feel right.

So what else made the day queer? There was a brief span of time within this day wherein I couldn't seem to get a grip of myself... I didn't know if I'd been groggy or just hungry or what but I was starting to creep myself out with my imagination, which I'd involuntarily been projecting everywhere. I just really felt strange and unexplainable at that time and it felt like I couldn't comprehend anything. That was one of the weirdest I've felt in a long time and it completely creeped me out. I can't exactly describe it.... the feeling was just pretty much incomprehensible and completely odd. My late sleeping habits are probably taking a toll on me finally.

Anyway, so that's it for my weird day... queerness.... I wish I could post this sooner but my brother just finished up the internet card.

+

*May you rest in peace Pope J0hn Paul II.