Na-frufrustrate ako sa sarili ko. At times I feel waxed-- covered in all those ideals your traditional elders try to instill in you, when things come to a point where you just want to break through. I hate having to live up to expectations, especially those of my relatives, that when I do something out of my reputation, it seems like a mortal sin. I'm suddenly the rebellious black sheep from hell or something.

And it's just not fair... when I choose to keep my anger to myself, it hurts. When I choose to calm down and try to work things out, and then the other party doesn't cooperate, it hurts. When I choose to let it out, knowing that I made someone feel bad stabs my stupid conscience, and it hurts. Kasi naman sa kaliit-liit na pagkakamali o kasamaang magawa mo, hihirit bigla ang konsensya mo... and it all goes back to you feeling bad in the end.

And I hate myself for being so stubborn at times... I don't know why I can't seem to understand that I will never be able to make things go the way I want them to. And I don't know why I can't appreciate the fact that not everything has to be a race in this world, and why so many people can't appreciate that fact either. And I don't know why I have to be so bitter towards so many people right now... to HER, to HIM, to HER, to HER, to THEM, and to several others whom I haven't even done anything to. Or if ever I had, I wouldn't know, because I never intended anything bad towards them anyway. I'm just trying to do what I believe would be the best, or would be right, which seems wrong right now knowing that I can't even define what right is.

And I just realized I wanted a true highschool bestfriend. Yes, I do have my close friends in class and out of class, but somehow I want to have an all-around person I can be with and talk to and pour things out to. Somehow, I can't find just one person to fill that spot right now. If God would have chosen that person to be my age, I would have wanted to graduate with the person and, 10 years later, look back at our childhood memories and make fun of them. And on my death day (say I died at 80), I would be able to say that I knew and loved that person for at least 70 years and she/he made my life worthwhile. Yaks, I know it's mushy and nauseating and beautiful and nice and idealistically cliche and stupid all at the same time, but it what I would've wanted.

And yes, I'm bitter... because I really miss having a bestfriend. At many instances in my life I thought would have a bestfriend to treasure me forever. And I thought I would treasure her forever too... but I guess forever just doesn't exist in this context right now and it hurts. And I can't bring the old days back anymore... I always have to ruin things, don't I? God, it's frustrating trying to look back at it right now. I just wish time didn't have to make things so rusty.

Ven texted me a few hours ago too, mentioning that she was getting bitten by the secretary bug (I'm not sure if I just invented that, but personally I think it exists). Shucks, that made me think about my own duties as a class officer. I'm angry at myself for not being as great or experienced or confident or academically-inclined as our President and previous Vice. I seemed to have lost my self-belief in all the bitterness I keep on harboring within myself. God, I just want to do something for my class before we graduate. I want to do something fulfilling.

Amidst all that, it's only a week before the UPCAT, and I'm swimming in heaps. Everyone seems to have prepared themselves for college already--- both for the entrance exams and for their actual college plans. I don't even have 2nd or 3rd or 4th choices for my ACET forms yet.... all I know is that I want to take up BS Psychology and keep my options to medicine or whatever open. I don't even know what I'll be doing yet should I fail to pass that particular course, which is the only thing want right now.

I honestly would like to try Nursing at UP Manila but somehow my heart just isn't set there. I've heard all the best stories about Nursing from Ate Girlie, my cousin, who just passed the boards and is beginning her training at St. Luke's now, but I don't want it somehow. If it were to be for practicality, it would be great, but.... I don't know, there's just something missing about Nursing. And I have shifted my first choice of campus from UP to Ateneo for reasons I can't even expound on.

The UPCAT and ACET scare me right now. I'm trying to review, but it's hard when the fear starts to creep in again. Positive words of wisdom in test-taking are well within my reach, but you need more than that. I need that sort of assurance to come from within myself right now.

So many rants. At least I'm getting an idea of how I'm doing as a teenager. My mom said that the first step to gettings things cleared up is to recognize your own faults--- what you have to clear up-- first. I guess the next step is finding the courage to get that rag and start doing what you can about these things.

This is why I wish I were brave.